Segregated Saturdays

Sitting at your study table with a electrical machines book open with a candle on the table and your wordpress blog open…hmm…yup, a life is needed with immediate effect…

I never was a great admirer of the NITW power system and these 27 hour long power cuts didnt particularly make me wanna swoon with love and delight at the slightest mention of them. After numerous unsuccessful attempts of trying to move into my friend’s room, who for some goddamn reason had power…I could express the plethora of hatred and confusion and helplessness within my soul in only one phrase “Vicissitudes of Fate”. Its funny how a jobless human’s mind finds joy in the littlest of little things…like skipping for example..(yes, u heard me right…hehe..) Murgi, a similarly disconnected soul showed me the path of the skipper. Even gifted me one…I was overjoyed, excited even…in no time, we were all skipping…though the memory has latched itself in my memory as “Little girls”, it was fun nevertheless mind you..

But yeah…after jumping for a while, when the muscles had been pulled enough and the bones been traumatized enough, my body succumbed…slump! into the chair and i went back to staring at the ceiling,

Dinner Time!! yes…I was ready to brave that crap they pass on as food everyday, to see other souls like me…hmm…there was gooey substance 1, watery substance 2, leaves..i could’ve sworn i saw the buffalo outside munching and chapathies..they keep referring to as phulkas. And then, somehow I ended up in the ATM…and then buying candles and matchsticks…met a “broken up” couple who I rarely see without the other, another dysfunctional couple..hehe… and then some idiot whose handshake gave me genuine doubts about his intentions.

Yup…final attempt at moving into tommy’s room…listened to him laughing at Superfreakanomics while I tried to make sense of what Uncle Freud had to say about my dreams. Gave up…picked lappie…swore at the administration and hoped they’d die painfully and then…ended up here…

p.s. forgot the mosquito coils…

For now, i squirm uneasily as whatever little blood my body has gets sucked by these insects from hell…cheers to a happy life, i guess…

 

 

 

 

Alternate Universes: Worlds Apart

Well…I figured fb notes turning out to be more effective than my blog…wat blog?? exactly my point…I have this recurring series of blog posts under the title alternate universes on my wordpress blog…it’s an inferiority complex i fell victim to after realising that particle physics will never ever ever be my cup of tea, coffee or any beverage for that matter…so here am i mixing matters of heart with physics and explaining the concoctions with the help of uncle heisenberg, uncle pauli, grandpa einstein and other Magi of Theoretical Physics…
So, college started off again…and my field of observation suddenly became active with loads of specimens…i felt like a physicist who walked into the Annual All-Particle forum or something…I had quarks quarking, protons and anti protons annhilating, the sines and cosines swinging…it was a treasure of knowledge that lay in every one of their word and action and look…but my attention hovered over one couple…one particular one…here was one story that could finally rival the chauss conundrum or the love story…hehehe…they’re gonna kill me…but I just don’t care…*period*
There have been no dates available…so one can only speculate about d time their alternate universe actually began..but an year, would be a near enough guess…Lets just say, a new class…but something special about it… u noe, that these other jackasses are those with whom you’re gonna spend the next three yrs of ur life..so its not like any other class you studied with…here friendships will be formed..you’ll find “just friends”…”homework buddies”…”research and project partners”…perhaps even “soulmates”…
disclaimer: the reference to a soul mate here isnt because the arthur believes in the existence of such entities…just that the male protagonist of the story holds such views…and yada yada yada…
So I enter as an observer…perhaps starting off in the story, closer to the female protaganist than the guy, but eventually as the story proceeds, it stands that i end up…closer to the guy…now, the character sketches…fine, to call the female..a twisted piece of work wouldnt be completely justified but yes, we all have our downsides…and I guess the insensitivity on her part (very unnatural fr females) came out of being plain dumb…but very subject smart however…top gpa and stuff…the guy too was smart…top gpa here too…but with a slight differnce…he was sensitive…sensitive not as in he’d break out crying when he saw the beautiful sunset but definitely more sensitivity compared to our girl…it was an innocent friendship…two ppl frm the same region…both with top gpas…and i guess, the guy was already harbouring a soft spot…I’d never know…here again, I speculate like crazy…but it was true that in a few mnths…the guy’d probably run all the way to the everest peak if she asked him to…somehow, u’d think that the female would’ve already seen this die-for-you fire that was burning in his eyes…but nahh, she was too involved with transient responses of ckts and proving to the world the worth of the person that is her…
But our male protagonist had a central characteristic, very crucial to our story…he was cut-throat straight forward…the kind which makes u want to severe all relations with him, catch a rocket and get as far as possible from him in the shortest possible time…hehe…believe me folks, I’ve only had to bear another entity with a similar predicament…but that’s another story…and he was extremely candid with his thoughts on her opportunistic attitude…I mean, the guy was ready to climb everest…and such decisions aren’t met with a “oh..k” or “yawwwnnn…pardon me..what were u sayin?”…well, I’m not so much for love moving mountains but i guess a stir was created within the machinery for success that was her soul…impossible, but our dude somehow, brought a stone to life…mostly, it was over a coffee, a stream of messages he somehow wasn’t afraid of the world reading (most of us would padlock our phones had such situations arise…i mean, such messages can be a terrible leverage against you), or through the dysfunctional state that they both belonged to…but somehow, beyond all understanding of humans, she was melting…meanwhile, our dude had become a pillar in her life…she needed something, he’d get her that…you’d think that they were the best of buddies…you’re sorely mistaken…somehow, they were always in the middle of a fight…and for some reason beyond the reasoning of mortal low lives like me, they loved it that way…I refer to instances frm the chauss conundrum where similar phenomenon occurred…
”in strife and in doubt, in pain and in angst, in indifference and ignorance, in dramatic soul stirrers and deep thoughts…did the connection seem at its deepest and at its most intimate…”
Every day, they’d find the silliest reason to fight on…and then they’d make up….for all i knew, he was simple at heart…free frm all the sophistications that define the rest of us…simple tastes and simpler words…and she was queen of the complications and intricacies…dumb…yes, but at a basic level a lot more cocktail thought processing going on…and if I remember something about him, every time they resolved a fight…it was his smile…like the very sun would come into his eyes…I thought, I was the one cleverer…and I thought she was the person calling the shots in the relation…I thought she was using him….until the tables turned on my train of deduction….the trump card was apparently held by the person I thought would never have them…
Did i say he was simple at heart…yes, but he was keralite…a trait one should never take lightly…our heroine in relying on our protagonist for every cock and bull thing had naturally handed him keys to her personality…and our hero had enough sense to understand that…she could be indifferent, she could pretend not to care, she could behave like a complete stranger to him…but she could not deny, that this person who slunk into her life…meant more than a friend now…and our hero was overjoyed…Mind Games, I’ve always maintained is a speciality with the females…their weapons against innocent guys who spend a lifetime figuring how these drat female minds think…but here, mind games were soon becoming our hero’s greatest weapon…but all through, he never used his position in her life to his advantage…yes, he could demand her to come on dates, he could have asked her to hang out with him more often, he could have spent his time bragging on his relation with her to the world…but those protons and sines and cosines somehow understood unscientific feelings like love and attraction…and obeyed them without question…he was the master, but he preferred to take the back seat…he’d die in the sweet embrace of that feeling…and I watched…u c, I’ve never been in any sort of this bullshit, but u can’t deny it was very alluring…I can never rightly chronicle about what she felt, but certainly….he was sure about what she felt (god noes how) and so his word was good for me…Its funny really as to how deep a relation can develop when the question we think must be asked first “will u go out with me?” was never asked at all…
I never believed in fairy tale love stories…never believed in true love…just because they are too good a thing to happen…he’s there…and so is she…he still would give his life for her…she still yawns at the thought..but he still continues to smile…the reason “dude…I liked her as she is…I always knew what she was…i know that she’d probably be more worried about her grades, even if i was dying with a dagger in my heart right in front of her…but this is why I like her…” I shrug off with a smile, the one I give when hearing things beyond my comprehension…u c, this story has a few crucial points..
1. Angels can kill…but the pain of dying at the hands of angels is apparently sweet..
2. Selflessness works miracles…
3. Faith is a blessing I yet have to savour…but apparently faith’s a step away from true love…soul mates…and everything bollywood and we Indians are built of…u c, India’s the place of the heart…and that’s why we bargain and get prices as low, its why we share jokes with saarus, its why beggars are in profusion..relying on our sympathy and generosity…its why he was able to move a stone like her…
4. This blog isn’t for those fr whom…relations are just a facebook status…this isn’t fr those who dump ppl over smses…this is a tribute to that person and all who share his views…who still believe in roses and loveletters…

Ad honorem…

When the darkness clears,

when the rain washes away the blood,

in the midst of death and destruction,

the halls of the kings rejoice,

Victory! Victory! they cry…

they offer but only a tear and a toast for the victorious dead,

praying their spirits find their way to Elysium…

but what of the pain and the sorrow they suffered…

what of the families of those departed…

can victory be their solace…?

can honour and glory feed the hungry and the desolate

Yet the carnage is glorified, blessed and exalted,

The dead under the earth, the skies bloodshot..

time heals all wounds..

as ages pass and the mountains grow old…

the meadow and yellow blossoms cover the field…

fertile is the earth there,

the blood of those hewn wasnt vain,

for in abundance does it fruit…

from beyond the grave..it seems,

the dead provide for their dear ones,

the fruits strengthen their families,

good tilled earth the dear of those departed flourish in…

and the son grows strong and tall…

listening to the odes sung about the brave warriors,

among whom were his fathers..

he clasps the hilt of his sword and takes his shield up…

and the circle of life continues..

Glory and honour we fight for,

and die with pride,

here where my fathers sacrificed…

Love story??

Once upon a time my friends, there was a mighty warrior and a angelic princess who fell for each other after the great evil was vanquished and they lived happily ever after…ppl…snap out of it…thats everything that “cannot” be used to describe this love story…u c, as miss chhaus’ conundrum got murkier…unknown to me, unknown to nybody for that matter*(citation needed) another love story slowly grew…while I was busy tryin to figure out the complex solutions that governed the chhaus romantic model, i was overlooking a whole new system governd by altogether by a different set of equations….very simple ones, but the ways of us humans…who seek to complicate everything..couldnt see the solution just because we deemed it too simple to define them…the story was clear but we needlessly pricked and prodded, refusing that things could be so simple…after all we were engineers…

The girl, my friends in this case was the unconventional types…for one, she held the most privileged position the “guy who lived in the ladies hostel”…hehehe..in a nutshell, a lil tomboyish….our hero was in very plain terms, most basic of basic words…”A Nutjob”…not because he roamed the streets naked..no…his nut was scrwd by his extreme hyperactivity, apparent immunity to any sort of emotion except a cheshire cat like grin that adorned his face 24/7…Our dear heroine, was never the type to actually like a guy..or that’s what the experts in the field predicted…but uncle heisenberg once again worked his magic..and our so-called expert theories were blown away in a second…It was if I remember right in the week preceding Valentine’s Day 2009 when she first started droppin hints that she’s a girl…I was surprised naturally…i mean, how wud u react if one of ur guy friends started acting like a girl…my sentiments were of a very similar nature…however soon she blew the lid off the jar and blurted out after like an ocean of smses that she liked a guy…wait..no, she didnt name him..just that it was a “guy”..phew…thank god it was  guy…and then the guessin game started…i considered everybody from a botswanian friend of mine to elvis presley…except for our hero who spend his time talking about pointless computer games, designin posters on photoshop and jumping around like a total chimpanzee on weed…but to my greatest surprise..hold…(i’m nt exageratting)…she did accept it finally, that she like him…and some hearts crumbled (oh! and crumble they did…kinda was there to witness one)…but the one who got lucky, apparently wasnt interestd..no, not that he didnt like her…just not interested..i mean…as far as he was concernd she’d have to become a chracter in call of duty or a fantasy character in jason and the argonauts…for him to care fr her as much..yes, a case of the cnfused priorities…

Hweever the universe cnspired and they were on their first codswallop..i wudnt really call it a date…they were hilarious..the funniest couple on earth and perhaps in the whole of milky way…but the equations showed me a side of hers that i hadnt seen before…a lighter side..a more emotional and perhaps finally..after ages of pretendin to be a tomboy, a girl emerged..and all masks and pretences were torn..hwever, our hero remained who he was…perhaps, he never understood it, and i think it did affect our heroine…and in amidst all the jokes we cracked about them, i noticed that the wheels were indeed turning and some things were happening that were gettin them together though fr all practical purposes they seemed to be moving away…But the fact remained, they were more like two 10 yr olds hanging around with each other…Hints approving of my conclusion that the love story was indeed progressing were the following…1. She apparently didnt give a damn..always a female signal connoting affirmative or supportive stances. 2. He was suddenly very interested in knowing whether there were movies being played in the auditorium…so he cud go and watch em with her (for those dunces who didnt get it) 3. these movies were mostly hindi..a language our hero was allergic to…but still he braved them…for her…for l’amour

And so I based my conclucions on these points…well, f course once again..urs truly strays into the story…this time not the protective brother, but a even demanding role…a pseudo boyfriend…hehehe, but no biggie…i was their personal advisor…but things stopped their hunky-doriness from a point in time (not because of me..jackasses)….and things went majorly wrong for our hero…lets just say that he ended up losing things worth half a lakh or more…and his academics also spiralled down..but being the emotionally numb freak, he resorted to burying his frustration in his head…this brings us to the last codswallop of theirs…(date)..this time, a small change…they were being monitored..no not the government, a more feared pair…the pseudo bf and his crazy sis…(apologies, but i was running out of adjectives)..the date being very prominent for the fact that our hero spend half his time on the phone and then a break in the silence by her dialogue “I like fish better than chicken” and then of course culminating in me pseudo asking her out in front of him with bandages on both my hands (later later)…He never seemed to bother…he was spiralling down a mental breakdown before ny1 knew it…but he did fight it, i dunno hw…but the mathematics behind it did re-structure and re-organise itself…he was normal…and perhaps they still did stand a chance…

This story does not end here…perhaps the last one had an ending even if not a solid one, but this one…was left hanging. Anticipating Uncle Heisenberg’s magic again..I observe and wait patiently…because what these two taught me..is that even the most incompatible of things can carry along in unison…maybe not in the perfection u want to, maybe not in any conventional way…maybe not even in a way two people of sufficent age would…but ways of these alternate universes are very confusing…u c, there are more dimensions to these things than what u can observe and see and perhaps they are woring out very well…in sum plane visible nly to them…hehehe..wateva eh?? but i havent given uo yet…feel there’s more…so till then…

The Chhaus Conundrum

Story 1 kicks off where most stories are likely to begin..new college…new people..new situations…as per an untold tradition..just like their seniors, a couple of guys wait outside their class making the “hitlist”..dont get me wrong its more like a “who-to-hit-on” list…And then the meeting happened…as her and his eyes met..not sure what the moment was like..was it magical, was it a dislike flickering..was it a moment at all? but all they’d probably remember frm that moment on…wud be that the guy’s name was hilarious and the girl didnt really show any refrain frm laughing out loud at the name of a guy she’s only just met, rite in front of them…now the dude was not the contemporary type..more like in complete defiance to the stereotypical image of a hero…The Miss however soon found that she had topped the hitlist of many other people…

well..the ways of these alternate universes are complicated..and the differential equations governin them must have had some seriously complicated solutions that determined the electrons move this way not that..which probably affected atomic behaviour which probably changed enzyme behaviours….but whatever be said…the two were already spiralling down the hole…Times passed…i had better things in life to do..but of course…its hard to keep your ears shut to news abt the “Hitlist topper”..hehehe…not when the whole hostel’s chiming about it…our hero remained silent though..perhaps he knew he was succeeding in serenading the damsel or was just plain daunted by her sudden popularity..but hold ur horses ppl..our hero wasnt a dreamland prince..and the young lady was expecting a knight in shining armor…whether he cared abt it or not..we’d never now..

And so the seeds of complication perhaps were sown by then…after this came the journey that changed things…both were a part of it..but even here her new found stature followed her….people who hated, admired, loved her..but all the same..people who cudnt ignore her….in this midst stood our hero..a lone warrior…..is nt hw i’d describe him…sum1 tryin his level best nt to give a damn wud be a better description..cm wat may..fast friends did we become…and yes…then the “Guns Ablaze” incident…which fr reasons i shall not disclose..hwever it suffices this much to know..tat me, who was inadvertently out of the story strayed into it…as a close friend of hers too…all throughout wat I witnessd was the most amazing of relationships slowly blossom…aboard a local train on a hot afternoon, on an overnight journey on a bus, the anxiety on his face when she nearly misses the train back to college..and a silent inscrutable joy on his face when he finds her near the ladies’ room..hehehe..well, yea..that’s a speciality with our female protagonist….awesum loo timings…I watched and I loved it…the extra beat of my heart was steps away with friends of her own (my love story..later)..but heart beats were definitely these two….abstract…metaphorical…invisible…not a word spoken..not a feeling conveyed…but so much always communicated…

But then the winds blew astray..and some things changed fundamentally…maybe it was the ragging…or the state pride that came in between…but things definitely greyed then…Perhaps there was no villain physically existing but the human mind can betray you more than it seems…a ride is wat they took me on…on and off…they went..but entangled was I know, that I cudnt free myself even if i wanted to…certain facts of our hero’s life..certain things he said..did…changed for good what I understood about him..and then apprehensions crept in…yes..it was a public secret…the hitlist topper was going out with sum dude..who wasnt half the hunk or chillax as the rest of the “suitors”…heheh…but i guess, sumwhere along..things werent goin hunky dory…and slowly wat i witnessed as once a very warm pair became a memory from the photos…the smiles were lost in a jiff….no more would they come back…i know, hw u’d want this to end…he running all the way while her train leaves…and declarin undyin love just as the train starts, but our hero defyin stereotypes wud never have done that…and miss chhaus wud never give in…perhaps it was the volatility and spontaneity of their characters that betrayed them..but somthing definitely screwd it for them…it was over…

but they say that “nothing ever ends….only changes”…one fine day, as i cycled down the institute road…i saw two familiar faces..walkin in the opposite direction…something passed between me and the jackass hero…we both smiled…and I felt glad…and as i passed the gates…I cudnt help but wonder the nature of strings…maybe those differential equations were still at work…maybe those electrons still moved in the same way…maybe heisenberg’s uncertainity principle just showed me how unpredictable things are..and this only was cnfirmed..when in a conversation she mentioned to me…”It’s just over for this yr..but smhw i think we finally undersatnd each other…” all i cud manage was a thought…”mann…murky conundrums” and I smiled at her…the only thing i’m capable of when I dont undertsand wat’s goin on…tht my friends was the chhaus conundrum

Alternate Universes: Muhahahaha….

Well…it’s just so much fun..not to exploit this topic further ..this time I shall dig graves around me…for all those people I know…hehehe..Alternate universes, as decieving as the topic sounds to the mundane mind perhaps is the perfect correlation I could find. They say String Theory is complicated…it talks about universes with 11 dimensions…matters of the heart my friends isnt any different. I started off with a unidimensional view of love and its allies..thanx to bollywood..Today I know that “multidimensional” is its middle name…Every story’s unique, everyone’s different…and I shall present you specimens I came across in this short life of mine…doing what I do best…observe and record…and so here goes Story 1….(psst…dont worry..I wont use real names) but u’llguess it good nyways…

Alternate Universes 2: Picture Perfect…

well..the matters of the heart..as murky as ever. I know that wasnt the greatest of opening lines..not even close, but believe me..its most probably the ‘rightest’  thing I cud have ever said..”love, liking, infatuation…” terms that can drive you to the seventh circle of heaven…look carefully, and you’ll find yourself wreathing on the ground, trying to hold onto that heavenly fantasy, while life slips out of your grasps. Asphyxiation’s nt the nly thing that can kill you blissfully. But f course, if you have already ventured into those alternate dimensions, my words wud probably be f more use falling on walls.

I guess that’s why, I don’t like romantic movies…them and their perfect endings…where the guy and girl know they’re made for each other…where songs in the most beautiful locales in designer wear solves all their issues and most of all, when they depict the hero and heroine’s marriage as a happy ending…I mean, the greatest test of their committment is supposedly where the film ends…no ego clashes, no fights, nothin…a smilin family photo with “THE END” boldly written on it…bah!!!

All around me I’ve seen people make up, break up, start something new, try to start something new, renew old relations, sob because he/she does’n't understand, sob cos’ there no one to understand..hehehe…in the end, everyone learns a lesson..oh yes they do….but guess wat? before u know it…they’d have already reverted back to their old stances. I don’t want to sound aloof or apart frm the bandwagon…this is as much as my story as it is of those around me…So ciao all f u lost and blind in love..these phrases never really made a lot of sense to me before, nw…i completely understand that noble soul’s intentions behind coining those phrases…I repeat “Love leaves u wreathing on the floor and gasping for air…”

My Babble…

amidst melodies playing and harmonies flowing,

a realisation dawns,

about a purpose…previously unknown,

why are these people smiling,

why lose yourself in that trance,

how can you adore and believe in something so intangible,

where has the wind blown me to,

a land I never saw before,

of songs higher than hope and devoid of despair,

the angels herald in a force,

a silent and lowly witness…but i am,

one and all surrender selves…

why do i feel alien…

feel like this is not meant for me,

feel trapped in a glass cage,

the vision and miracle front of my eyes,

living proof breathing around me,

but yet, the island speaks nothing to me,

lost I still feel…

i sense my purpose is near,

but the cold in my heart…freezes my hands,

raise your hands and sing,

lose your selves and meditate on his glory,

the beauty of his words from a book…

I cannot do any of these

i beckoned myself to leave that place,

the heart needs no understanding,

but its the mind that needs its equations and reasons and logic…

choosing the mundane over the truth,

how much further can my perspective stray,

when individualism becomes an illusion u created,

I return to prove myself,

singing, speaking, building…what am i?

the question tires me…

why do i do this…?

i’ve taken a lot of paths in life…

i’m here and there and everywhere…

but never did the sense of belonging hit…

cold and hard I was once,

now I care…for some,

priorities I place sacred,

but why now, why not before,

I try to draw parallels…

his word and my life…

can I find an answer…

perhaps one day…there will be one,

but not today,,

the search for purpose continues…

Till then will I jump, sing, dance, speak, study, serenade, write…

every deed of every second of every minute,

to prove that my life is not without meaning…

but one day…I will need to do none of these to find an answer…

because like once a friend told me,

“When the answer will be revealed,

then you’ll realise the futility of everything you did..”

“signing off with a new hope and purpose,”

is how i would loved to have ended this…

but struggling in anticipation is all i can do…

perhaps this madness will pass…

but i know i’ll never be the same…

Filmy et Musical Moi..

well….being one movie buff…i decided share my treasured “opinions” on movies and music…not like i care whether you care about my cares…but still i like to keep up the delusion that my opinion’s taken very seriously….but nyways do grace me with ur visits and occasionally do listen to my music recommendations and watch my favourite movies…

www.brentonpereira.blogspot.com

Motley of colours

the rainbows I’ve made,

the smiles I’ve painted,

the sorrows I washed away,

from the precipice of depressions,

have I lifted you to a new high,

smiled and laughed have I forever,

for in your joy,

my life loses its taint,

the joy is contagious,

and i rejoice, when those around me are glad…

for frm their joy i derive my life and light…

singing and waltzing and joking,

masking the pain within,

u are blind to the storm behind the jubilant extravagranza,

the ships sinking to their depths,

in an ocean of miseries…

the mask hides the man,

woes innumerable and wounds unhealed…

look beyond the surface,

beyond the motley of colours,

i painted to cover my pain..

and perhaps u’ll find me…

perhaps i’ll find a friend…

This is a poem written by a circus joker